Thursday, December 30, 2010

Happy Holidays, Mr. President

by Rich Miles

Dear Mr. President:

I've been trying to think of a good gift for you, to offer my thanks for all you do for the American people, and I think I've come up with something you may find useful. Sorry I'm a bit late for Christmas.

At any rate, here's what I think you should say the next time the Republicans get their respective and collective tails in a knot about whatever. In essence, I am volunteering to serve your administration as a speechwriter - for just this one speech. I'm not auditioning for the job. I just want to give you this. It came into my head almost fully-formed, and I want you to have it. I hope you'll use it, but it's a gift, so you'll do with it as you will. At any rate, here it is:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I have some brief remarks I'd like to make concerning the recent (controversy du jour - insert crisis here.)

I'd like to start by addressing my worthy opponents in the Republican party, by saying that effective today, the rules of the game are changed.

No longer will I or any other members of the Democratic Party be intimidated by the empty threats of Republican leadership or rank and file.

No longer will Democrats seek bipartisan compromise for its own sake. When the business of the American people can be concluded with bipartisan action, that will be a good thing. But this administration will not seek such action in and of itself any longer.

You have accused us of many things, including class warfare, profligacy with the public purse, raising taxes, unpatriotic behavior, and lots more.

And the truth is, most of those accusations applied to YOU rather than us - especially the accusation of lack of patriotism.

Because, you see, the bills you want passed, the laws you want to see on the books, will, if made into law, ruin our country - literally push its face into the dust, and kill many of its citizens. For instance, if you succeed in dismantling Social Security, as you seem so intent on doing now, many people will die - many people will have no family to support them in their later years, when they are too weak or sick, or simply OLD, to support themselves. And they will die for lack of the Social Security benefit that might have given them the facility to save their own lives.

And we will not take the blame for these deaths. For many years now, we have taken the blame for a whole raft of social and political ills, because to defend ourselves against your scurrilous attacks would make US look worse than YOU. So by and large, we let you lie, and defame us, and condescend to us, without so much as a reply.

But no more. From now on, when you lie about any or all of us, we will call you out. We will challenge you to provide proof to substantiate your claims. And if you fail to do so, we will call you what you are: a liar. It will be time-consuming to do so, but it will be consuming of far more resources than time NOT to.

And we will do this on a local, state, regional and national level. In fact, if the opportunity arises, we will do it on an international level.

Because enough is enough. As you Republicans well know, the kind of people who become Democrats are generally gentle people, who value truth and fair play and comity and bipartisanship whenever possible.

And those who tend toward becoming Republicans are generally regimented sorts, rules-followers who value winning at all costs - at ALL costs, even the loss of their integrity, and sometimes the loss of their souls. Who call bipartisanship the political equivalent of date rape. Who will do whatever it takes, regardless of the scurrilousness of the behavior, to defeat and humiliate their opponents - especially humiliate. Who don't really want to compromise on any issue, no matter what they say. Those are Republicans.

It didn't used to be so. There was a time when Republicans truly WERE fiscal conservatives, as they claim to be now. But they were men (and, very occasionally in those days, women) who could be reasoned with, with whom a mutually-acceptable compromise could be reached.

No longer. No longer is there any such thing as mutually-acceptable, and Republicans seem to believe that, IF the compromise IS mutually acceptable, there must be something wrong and weak about it.

That's the Republican Party today. It's undeniable. And we, members of the Democratic party, have let this go on for far too many years, taking the blows and the lies without response, losing elections we should have won, MIGHT have won except for the crooked dealings of our main opponents.

But no more. No longer will we, the Democratic party, allow your crimes and misdemeanors to go unremarked and unpunished. We will stand up, and shout "Liar!!" at the top of our voices. No longer will we simply roll over and take it. And when we do this, and you fight back and say that WE are the liars, we will show the proof. It will take some time, years, likely, to make this strategy - we call it the "truth strategy" - work with the majority of the American people. But it will take eventually. We feel certain of it.

Now, we realize that this change in us will be abrupt for you in the Republican Party. We see that you will be confused sometimes, as the doormats you used to run roughshod over suddenly grow spines and fight back - or refuse to engage at all, which I rather expect will infuriate you even more.

But this, the partisan wars we now live in, can't continue. The people's business - the passage of laws of importance to the daily wellbeing of the American people - is not being tended to. And Americans are suffering, in more ways than one. And it has to stop. Now.

So we will not any longer merely roll our eyes, and try to ignore you, and hope we can get our message out despite your dirty dealings. It will be rough in the beginning, and we may fail at our goal many times before it begins to register with Americans, and indeed our allies and enemies abroad, who are dismayed that it has taken us this long to stand up to our adversaries, and quite literally to take our nation back.

I believe I have made my point, and there is no point in belaboring this issue any further. But today will henceforth and forever more be known as Independence Day II. The day America was liberated from the tyranny of the Republican Party. Or at least, the part of it that seeks to destroy America.

You see, we in the Democratic Party don't think we're always right. We just don't think YOU'RE always right either. And we've been acting as if we do think that for too many years now. No more.

We're not declaring war on you, Republicans. Not unless you make it necessary to do so. We're trying to restore a genuine two-party system in America. Instead of one party who shouts lies, and another party who allows the shouts, and most importantly the lies, to go unchallenged.

We think this is a better way. And after the dust settles, and we all start working together and actually achieving things for the benefit of America and Americans, we think you'll like it better too.

But whether you do or not, this is the way it's going to be from here on out.

Thank you for your time and attention, and God bless America.
That's what I think Americans want. Not all this feuding and fighting and inaction. What do you think, Mr. President?


Cletis L. Stump said...

Rich, this is brilliant. Would you allow me to post this on my blog? (Proper attribution will be provided.) I would be honored and will post a link to your site. Cletis at

Cletis L. Stump said...

Rich, are you aware of this blog?

You are up Monday. Cletis